Being Lauren Kwoo

I'm not exactly blue in the face with a frown as my emoticon or whatever the hell it's called appears.
I'm just curious as to how things seems to always fall apart right around the end of semesters. Well...I take that back. Things usually fall apart (for me) around that time, but last semester was insanely different and worked backward...from falling apart in the beginning to building up at the end. And boy was it one of the most lonely periods of my life EVER to become one of the most fulfilling.

This spring I'm so confused...
about...how I should talk to a friend I have now about the feelings I used to have about her. Um... am I justified for not particularly appreciating someone if I don't approve of his or her actions and don't care to spend time with the person? Is that a sin? Cuz if someone doesn't like me...don't hang around me...I'll just annoy you more.
I'm also confused about weird vibes I've been getting from another friend (who I never see) and I have no clue as to why. I'm working my butt off at school, trying to juggle everything on my platter and on top of it all I should drop everything to be more available?...I mean I don't actually know. I'm SORRY! I hate the fact that I have to SCHEDULE time to be with my friends. It's annoying and I feel as though I'm not a great person for doing it, but yet what type of person would I be if I blew off my jobs or my homework? Not a responsible individual...and what kind of friend is that? It's just like...What do you want? What do you want me to do? You make an effort too. I go to class, meetings, work, come home, do homework and then I want to rest whether that be with television, a book or my boyfriend. ...and sometimes I'm working at night too. Boo. I'm tired and not all of us can relax and float along and get pissed off because we have too much free time.

Let me tell you...it's becoming more and more difficult trying to juggle a leadership role, a job to pay for school, school's crappy overloaded stress called homework, spending time with the people you love...and all else that I dream to do. I just wish I...ME, LAUREN KWOO could organize MY TIME doing what I WANT!!! I wish that I could follow my bliss. I'm so fucking tired of people telling me that I'm infringing on THEIR time...or that I'm on the clock. What clock? What fucking clock? This is MY life! Why am I forced into a bunch of crap that I really don't want to take part? And why do I feel guilty when I'm not able to attend the presentations I WANT TO or the meetings...luncheons...whatever. All the time I could utilize being the person I wish to be...but yet I am forced into a life that I don't wish to take. THIS IS MY FUCKING TIME!

I told Jonathan the other day that I wish I could give away my bad days (Bad days meaning the ones I waste away)to someone else. I wish I were able to give them to someone who would take advantage of them...someone who would be adventurous and complete his/her dreams. I'm not a lazy girl...not all together. I complete quite a bit in my 'bad days,' but...I'm not doing what I want to do. It's just a routine. Routine=life
What the fuck right? Something is not right here...maybe some people enjoy this rigid life of no real freedom, but...ah I just want... to walk in the park every day...to watch the sun rise in the morning without worry I won't get enough sleep. I want to go to sleep early without having to attend meetings when the rest of the neighborhood is in bed. I want to take a road trip without school and work to keep me trapped. Perhaps this is me just wishing to be irresponsible...but is it really that bad sometimes? I think I have a problem with disconnecting myself from everything when I feel smothered. I'm feelin' it.

Current Location: on my butt
Current Mood: mah
Current Music: Ani

Here are the lyrics to my theme song...haha.
Just for fun.

All I Really Want
by Alanis Morissette

Do I stress you out
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter

And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance

Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature

What I wouldn't give to find a soul mate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred

Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around

Why are you so petrified of silence?
Here can you handle this?
Did you think about your bills, you ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need now is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer

All I really want is some peace man
A place to find a common ground
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
And all I really want is some justice...

Current Mood: painting now
Current Music: duh

Okay, so I feel a little bit like a jerk. Okay no more like a big jerk. I just googled Donald Miller and...he totally doesn't have the physical appearance I imagined. I don't know exactly WHAT I was thinking, but he's just not the guy I had in my head. In some photos he looks like a muscular athlete...except one who's cheeks I want so desperately to pinch lol. And then...in other photos Donald looks EXACTLY as I imagined...with a little rock-star flair, but also with cheeks! haha What's so amazing is that I have seen parts of this guy's soul through what he reveals in his books (the two so far that I've read) and yet simply by his personality I preemptedly painted a physical appearance. I feel...dirty. The fact that I was surprised to see what he actually looks like makes me feel as if I am now judging him because he hasn't lived up to my expectation. As if a guy with a wonderful godly heart could ONLY be attractive in appearance. Part of me is a bit surprised that I didn't google Donald after reading his first book.

Well whatever...it's interesting. Reading Donald's Searching for God Knows What I have recently been reminded that Jesus wasn't that attractive either, which sucks! (not saying that Don isn't at all...he's cute whereas I imagined homely but hard-core too) Anyway...I think it's cool that perhaps people who don't know me may read what I write and imagine I look like someone I don't appear to be. I'm not quite explaining myself correctly. It's as though Donald's soul...or what of it he revealed to me...is SO attractive, fiery, strong and hard-core, yet his shell doesn't appear to be equal. It's really true that you can't judge a book or person by its/his or her cover. Though Donald Miller looks like a little bear-man I'm sure he could kick my ass with his words. BAM!

Well even though I now officially know what Donald Miller looks like, I do have a problem controlling my imagination so I will probably continue to imagine him as a young hot guy, just around my age haha...as well as Jesus and most of the men of the Bible. For some reason Moses is NOT "good-looking" to me. Oh well... really by good-looking I mean, strong and shirtless. HAHA ...except not Donald because he doesn't like to be naked. Donald wears clothes in my mind an always narrates from his small room while sitting near his computer typing away.

Current Mood: tired, working
Current Music: Bass from the next room

" It is obvious what kind of life develops out of trying to get your own way all the time: repetitive, loveless, cheap sex, a stinking accumulation of mental and emotional garbage, frenzied and joyless grabs for happiness, trinket gods, magic-show religions, paranoid loneliness, cutthroat competition, all-consuming-yet-never-satisfied wants, a brutal temper, an impotence to love or be loved, divided homes and divided lives, small-minded and lopsided pursuits, the vicious habit of depersonalizing everyone into a rival, uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions, ugly parodies of community. I could go on."
Galations 5:19-21 The Message by Eugene Peterson

That pretty heavily sums up some of the feelings I have had recently. Whenever it is my turn in life to make a choice I do one of two things...as most people do...I either jump right into a decision or I over-consider my options before making a choice. The only trouble is that when I personally over-think my options or my answer...I tend to go a little loco and begin rethinking all the steps I have taken up to this point...like am I in the right major?...am I living in the right area?...am I involved where I should be and not overly or under involved?...What is the point of all this work? and so on. The list must be as long as Santa's good and bad kid chart, but anyhow...it concerns me that my over-thinking restricts me from doing so much. I have noticed that I take too many breaks to double check everything in my life. I want it too all be...not so much perfect or planned out right away by me (haha so greedy), but wonderful, adventurous and positive. If I do my double check and don't see my life in one or all of those areas I get myself worked up into a rut where I do nothing but contemplate on what I can do to be more in control of my life and place my life in one of the categories. It's frusterating. I hold myself back with the very intent on shooting myself forward.

So...I hope I have made sense thus far because my eye lids are drooping and sleep is sweeping my body. Adios.

Current Mood: sleeping
Current Music: Protest songs in my head

It's that time of year again...and I mean DRAG BALL TIME! Tonight is the tenth anniversary of the Webster Drag Ball. haha...that pretty much all I have to say. Okay except that I don't know whether I should go as a woman or a sexy woman...manly? Weird tie? yes no...Matt Grant where are you to dress like a hot bird and I can be the half naked chica!?

So umm yeah, I have nine minutes before it will be nine p em and at that time I'm going to take a shower and then proceed to finish the rest of my darn homework. The bad thing is that now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel (i.e. only having eight weeks remaining in the year) I am becoming such a lazy girl with my homework. The good thing is that now that I see the light at the end of the tunnel I am becoming a lazy girl with my homework, but I am sneaking in some junk that I WANT to due which I deem WAY more important than the crap I pay tons of money to do, but dislike. Weird how that works out...
Anyway I saw an important friend today who will be off to L.A. by the end of this week. So crazy how life spins you around. Last year I spent SOOOO much time with a group of boys I hardly even speak to now and had thoughts of being with someone I spend almost all of my free time with now. I have absolutely nothing to complain about and I won't dare...though playing in the fountain will be a drastically different experience this spring.
I can't think of much else to say. Usually I can't type FAST ENOUGH on my computer. Tip typing away my thoughts onto imaginary paper that only exists in the form of whatever makes up this livejournal hicky-doo.
I can't help but laugh to myself, because I have so much work ahead of me (especially this week with so many deadlines), but yet I really could care less about it all. I'm only pissed that I don't have enough time to sit on my ass and read my book, scrapbook and watch Arrested Development. So much for spring break. It was wonderful, but I took all my time running around in a lazy way that just sort of wastes time instead of getting everything done at once and then REALLY being lazy by sitting on my butt in my pjs all day. Stupid girl. When will I learn...haha probably within the next eight weeks.

Current Mood: Hmmm....
Current Music: Weezer in my head

Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I've just (for the last minute or two) been caught up in how quickly time has past by and yet it seems like forever ago that I was hanging out with my buddies last semester who are now in various countries all over the world. I am so envious of them too...right this second. I know that eventually I'll get my time, it's just a bit discouraging to be stressed about school and work and stupid things...and still be right here. I feel as though there is much for St Louis to offer, but I've been to "busy" and lazy to go out and enjoy myself. I'll only experience college life at one point in my life. Even if I return to school later, it won't be the same as being my age now and living on campus...being the young, involved kid. So I guess what I am saying if that I need to make more of an effort to enjoy myself in longer moments than I do now and to learn to make my work fun, so that I enjoy all that I do...as much as I can.
I feel slightly ashamed that I've become so caught up with my grades recently. It sucks, but I think...I know that's changing. Spring time is one its way and I am so delighted. Soon summer will be here and even though I have yet to nab a job, I know something will come through even if it sucks. Last year my summer job was terrible, but I enjoyed working because it taught me so much. Perhaps if I should just document my summer work and it'll really turn into an experience. haha...crazy.

As spring break comes to a close, I suddenly feel the stress level slightly rising within me. I think I am most envious of the worldly travelers because I would like to change my scenery and hide away on a beach or something. How silly. It'll be good this term. I secretly know it. The hardest part is over and I will only have three classes to worry about for the last two months of school which will be AWESOME!!!

Current Mood: nervous
Current Music: Ben Folds

It is officially 20 more days until I turn 20! AHHHHH...how exciting



...how depressing.


I must add another "to do before I die" on my list of things to do before I die. So far I have 19. I add one for every birthday, but unfortunately I suck at accomplishing these goals. I've done one thus far...and have yet to rediscover the list. I got my nose pierced. I almost accomplished two...came very close to cliff diving. THIS SUMMER I WILL! Blackwater awaits!
I can't think of what to add...suggestions anyone? Learn to stop being so neurotic? haha...no way. I should seriously work on getting these "to dos" out of the way. I will walk across America...that's a good one. Be in a broadway show...probably never going to happen. Tis why we call them dreams :)

Current Mood: BLAAAAAHHHH!
Current Music: ..............................

"When I fly, you are with me. When I fall, you fall down with me. When I see your crown I will lay mine down with sound."

March is finally here! I can hardly believe it. I feel as though there is so much to be said, but nothing real escapes me. I'm just bubbling over with excitement and happiness that I've been a babbling moron for the past couple of days...and I can't even explain why. The air is changing and recently I have been the luckiest girl in the world. Last semester was just as busy as today only then it was hellacious. I love my business now...well maybe not love, but enjoy more. Occasionally I worry about what I am suppose to be doing here at this school, but I try my best to put that anxiety on something else. I'm not saying that I forget about it, only that I don't let it bother me as much as before. There are so many people who attend college who are much older than I and we're either in the same classes or the in the same place on our journey to career/ educational discovery. Like those short dreams people have of tripping. Those tripping dreams that jolt you up because you think it's real. That is exactly how I feel sometimes about my future. I go through my day to day routine. I walk to Spanish class and my mind trips. I wonder why I'm using so many credits for this language when it is such a struggle and I wonder whether I will ever use it or whether I will let everything I've learned just dissipate like my French. Should I be spending my time focusing more on my major? Should I spend more time working so that I might invest in equipment? Well currently, in this very moment, I am thinking that I have two or more years til I really have to worry. I can devote the next two all to film. :/

I have my plans for the classes of the future and there is no way I may switch majors now...my mom would literally birth a cow and that would not be beautiful to witness. I would still like to join the Peace Corp too after school. I mean, THAT is why I am here...other than to have fun with this cool major and play with stuff. ...but I ponder over that choice more and more now too. After something I recently read I wonder which is more important to me...the affairs of the world or my family, because I cannot please both. Perhaps I over-think and overstep too often. It's just that I am the type of person who likes to sit down and plan the important things out fully. If plans change that's fine, but I always like being ready to make a strategy for "plan b" and right now everything is just flying up in the air. I have nothing really tangible to grasp in my mind of what will happen once I graduate. I'm not too worried about WHERE I will be, only that I don't want to simply follow, but make plans as well. Am I a downer? or are these concerns normal? lol Whatever.
I've been the luckiest girl for an abundant of reasons, but the more ironic and weird include finding a cell phone that has been lost the past 11 months (which is super because my new phone just broke), I got a new job, I have semi-low grades in most of my classes, but I'm dropping one to give myself more time to study AND...I dunno...they'll be okay, I filled out my financial aid already so a big relief is filling my chest :D and then...finally I think I may have a sure job for the summer which is something I'm SOOOOO psyched about! I've discovered that i L-O-V-E people...even bastard people and I L-O-V-E working with them...not so much working with the bastard people, but I only laugh because they're precious in their own ways. lol We'll see.

I can't ask life to get a little softer for me anymore, because it's soft enough as it is only I don't want to accept it. I can't expect to sit on my ass and wait for the world to sweep me away. I'm sure it would if I did sit on my ass...sweep me right under the rug. That's no way to live. There will be stresses, but eh...whatever. That's the way it rolls. Just go with it. I've been taken care or so I know I should let these cares be released from my mind. I'm so lucky to have a mom that won't kill me if I don't make perfect grades. lol. YES! Mother's Day is coming up aka my birthday. The day I celebrate how great my momma is for delivering a turd such as myself. :D I adore her!

Current Mood: my face is blue & funny lookin
Current Music: Vineyard cool'stuf

Country line dancing is not something I am very capable of grasping, but thanks to determined and patient souls, I have been able to catch a few steps. Only a few more visits to Wild Country and I may master the art...though I'm not sure I should expect so much.

It's amazing to see people in their shining moments. Everyone has some kind of talent doing something...even if it's completely ridiculous and watching them perform is so delightful even if you think the people are stupid or scum or whatever. In that moment, their shining moment they are equal to you and everyone else on this friggin planet. It's so cute to have seen all the many back woods faces on the floor dancing like machines. I had major flashbacks to my childhood...living in Kentucky and having primarily listened to country music for many years of my life. Oh goodness...I had such a splendid time that I almost forgot the fact that I hate country music and leather. I could see the many faces from home...my high school and the people who lived on my ridge dancing the night away. In fact I had never actually seen men, other than Native Americans during ceremonial dances, get so into rythm that didn't involve humping a girl or boy. Oh well...the crazy homeless man who danced around and stripped in front of me at First Night doesn't count...although I did recognize him a week later when I saw him ride his bike downtown. Anyway...getting caught up in the courtesy and the passion that goes into line dancing (so much I never knew), I began to loosen up and actually move with the crowd rather than falling all over people...and I (am ashamed) knew most of the songs played and sang along with a huge smile. It was kind of a relief thing to be so enveloped in this new style of socializing...scary, but altogether delightful. And then I thought to myself "Lauren, why are you not a country dancing, singin' girl? Why are you not in this fun crowd usually?"

Um then I remembered that I don't eat steak for breakfast, enjoy wearing leather or praise the American flag. And I don't mean to stereotype, because certainly not everyone there does those things, but I just remembered why I had detached myself before. Silly reasons, because the fact is that even if I am a so called vegan and maybe not as patriotic as others it doesn't mean that I shouldn't accept those steak-lovin' country line-dancin' friggin awesome kids for who they are. CUZ damn it when you see people in their shining moment it humbles you (or it should) and then you realize that everyone is equal and that you can learn something new from everyone you meet. I learned how to line dance tonight...at least I attempted. lol And I am so glad I did!

Oh...so the whole day has been a big country/Kentucky day because I watched Elizabethtown. The movie sucks ass, BUT some of the scenery was cool because I recognized it.HEHE!

Current Mood: tired, but content
Current Music: country in my head haha